Parental alienation happens when a parent discredits the other parent in the eyes of the child or children they share. The accusations and actions can range from mild to severe with impact that can be subtle to damaging. Alienation distorts the way a child perceives the alienated parent, regardless if they had an excellent relationship prior to the divorce or separation.

Parental alienation affects the parent-child relationship, whether or not the allegations are true. For instance, if the child is repeatedly told that his dad doesn’t want to see him, the child will eventually believe this and may even end up resenting his father.

Types of Parental Alienation

Parental alienation comes in different forms, but there are three common behaviours of alienators. The following are three general types of alienators:

Naïve Alienators

It can be tricky to identify a naïve alienator because they can be nice and they can maintain good relationships with the other parent. However, a naïve alienator will, once in a while, drop lines that will give hints to the child that the other parent is not doing very well.

For instance, the naïve alienator may tell the child that the sweatshirt dad bought was nice but it would have been better if he picked the child’s favourite colour instead. Overall, there will be a harmonious relationship between the two former parents that will support their mutual quest to provide for their child in every way possible.

Active Alienators

Active alienators believe that the child should maintain a good relationship with the other parent. However, their personal feelings of pain and frustrations get in the way and affect the way they interact with the other parent.

They can say bad things against the other parent in front of the child, and they can also refuse to communicate properly with their former spouse. This can cause pain and confusion for the child who may end up not knowing how to act or feel toward the other parent, especially when both parents are present.

Obsessive Alienators

Obsessive alienators actively try to win the child and prevent or block off the child’s attempt to communicate or continue his or her relationship with the other parent. If the obsessive alienator fears, hates, or is angry with the other parent, they make it a point for the child to feel the same or assume that the child feels exactly the same way.

They act as if the child is in danger and therefore would do things to protect the child at all costs. There is a tendency for the child to emulate the offending parent’s behaviour and the child’s negative feelings towards the rejected parent can become intense.

How to Prevent Parent Alienation

If you are going through pain and frustration following a divorce, there may be a tendency for you to alienate the other parent without you being conscious about it. To prevent alienating the other parent or your former spouse, take a look at the ideas below:

• Every now and then, parents make negative comments against the other parent. When you realize that you committed such a mistake, immediately state a restorative comment, such as stating the positive sides of the other parent or the positive things the other parent has done for the child.
• It may be hard but for the sake of your child, say positive things about your former spouse, especially in front of the child and your former spouse.
• Be cautious with the way you react to the things your child tells you, especially after spending time with the other parent. At the same time, pay attention to any signs of abuse or dangers. Avoid ignoring negative comments and try to correct them or have the child explain the statements as it may actually be a cause for alarm. At the same time, reinforce or encourage more positive comments from your child.
• Avoid comparisons. It must be noted that you and your former spouse have different strengths, weaknesses, and parenting skills. Do not make parenting and child caring a competition between you and your spouse. Instead, learn how to complement and compensate your former spouse’s weaknesses or lacking attributes. Doing so will have you both winning your child’s love and respect and at the same time, co-parenting will make it much easier for you and your former spouse.