Talking to children about divorce and separation largely depends on their age because their age goes with their capacity to understand the situation. For instance, you will not talk to a 4-year-old the way you would to a 13-year-old child. Divorce and separation can come out as a blow to your children, and its impact can be harder if you do not explain the matter as clearly and as simply as you possibly can.
According to Lisa Herrick, a family psychologist, 75% of parents who are getting a divorce only spend about 10 minutes of their time to tell their children about the divorce. This is sad because children are more likely to remember the day they were told by their parents about the divorce and the memory and its impact will stay with them for the rest of their lives.
Because of how it will affect the children in the long run, it is important that parents plan out how they will talk to their children about the divorce and how they will answer potential questions from the children.
Below are some tips to make the process easier and more effective:
Plan out.
You cannot just break the news to your children at any point in time. Plan out with your soon-to-be-ex spouse as to when you are going to tell your children that you are getting a divorce and where. Set your conflicts aside and discuss the extent of details that you are going to tell your children, and if possible, break the news together instead of doing it separately or by one of the parents only.
Pick the right time and the right place.
Choose the right time, such as after school examinations or after big events. School breaks are also perfect timing because the children have nothing much to think about academically. Avoid breaking the news to your children prior to examination week or important events, such as birthdays, Christmas, and other occasions that the family holds special. Pick a place that is comfortable and conducive for talking.
Keep your emotions intact.
Talking about the divorce can be stressful, but it is very important that you remain calm before your children. Bickering and blaming each other, or worse, mudslinging in front of your children may cause further trauma, apart from the trauma from the divorce itself.
This can also cause your children to fear for their own security or where they will end up going after the divorce. How you are going to conduct yourselves during the talk with your children should be one of the things that you should discuss during your planning.
Encourage questions and answer them.
When you tell your kids about the divorce, expect to get a good number of questions or you may not get any questions at all because you will be greeted with silence. Take note that children take traumatic news differently. In case your children ask questions, be ready to answer them as objective as possible.
Do not make it sound like the other parent is at fault, even if it is so. This will only spark disagreements and bitter fights in front of your children. Instead, make it sound like it was a mutual decision. You can also say safe answers like you and your spouse can no longer agree on certain things and it is necessary that you live in different houses now.
However, emphasize that the marital relationship may end but your love and affection for your children will not be affected in any way. If in case your children refuse to say anything, do not force them. Encourage them to speak their mind when they are ready. Make it a point to tell your children that your communication lines are always open for them.
Show respect.
Show your children that divorce and separation is not that bad after all and that you and your spouse can still talk in a civil manner for the sake of your children. Show them that your respect for each other has remained regardless of the painful reasons that lead to the demise of your marriage.
Showing your children that you can treat each other with respect will make divorce less traumatic for them. You will coordinate with your former spouse every now and then on matters related to your children so it would be best to start your civil relationship as early as possible.
