Traumatic emotional experiences like divorce can impact children in ways that adults may find hard to understand. If not properly managed and processed, these painful experiences could surface later on in your children’s lives with effects that may damage themselves and the people around them.
With everything that happens during divorce and separation, parents can easily lose sight of how the process is also hurting their kids. Here are some tips that will help cushion your children from the pains brought by divorce.
Breaking the news.
It is important to note that children react to pain in different ways. Their age is also a factor on how they will take the news. Although it will eventually hurt them when the news sinks in, it will be best to prepare how you are going to tell your children, especially about the changes that the family will go through after the divorce.
As much as possible, break the news together with your soon-to-be-former spouse to make it easier for everyone and also to assure your children that the divorce was a mutual decision. It will also help if you will rehearse how you are going to talk to your children. Anticipate possible questions and varied reactions from them.
Reassure your children.
Children usually worry that it was their fault their parents are separating. This misconception has to be clarified right from the start. Affirm that the separation was not your children’s fault. Be ready to reiterate this in your future conversations.
Generally, children react to divorce negatively because they fear of getting abandoned or of being maltreated when they move to a different house. Moreover, children worry that their parents will stop loving them after the divorce. It is important that you remind them that your love for them will not diminish in any way and this should be concretized with words and actions.
Allocate more time with them.
As part of reassuring your children that you will remain to love them is spending more time with them. This will validate your claim that you will keep things as usual as possible, although there would be changes after the divorce is finalized.
For younger children who may still lack the understanding of the true nature of divorce, they interpret time spent with them as love while older children find comfort in words of reassurance.
Provide stable living conditions.
Before you break the news about your divorce, make sure that everything is ready for the children, including the living arrangements and where they are going to stay after the divorce is finalized. There would be lesser adjustments if the kids will stay in your family home, but if you are taking the kids with you, the new place should be conducive for them to make it easier for the children to adjust in their new environment.
Be patient.
As mentioned earlier, children react to painful news differently. They could withdraw and isolate themselves or they could easily throw unreasonable tantrums or behave aggressively towards you and other children. These are normal reactions for children.
If there is a need, seek the help of a therapist to help you and your children process the experience. The healing process also varies from one child to another. For some, it could take years, while it can be faster for others. If your child is showing slow progress, just be patient. In fact, be ready to be patient for whatever reaction they may display.
Keep an open door for communication.
The one thing that you wouldn’t want your children to feel during the entire process is loneliness. Make sure that you emphasize how they are always welcome to talk with you for whatever reason.
Children find comfort knowing that they still have their parents to turn to when they need them. Children tend to turn to friends and other people when they feel the unavailability of their parents and it can be scary if they turn to the wrong friends or persons. Children need to feel safe and secure during the process, especially after the divorce.
It is important that you prepare your children for the emotional, physical, and psychosocial changes and impact that will take place after the divorce. Call a family lawyer or a therapist to help you with the entire process.
